Monday, July 4

For Your Eyes Only

After countless hours of watching Burn Notice, I have henceforth decided it might be in my best interest (in the sense that I would find it very interesting) to become a spy. So, in the event that I should have to grapple with the decision to accept or reject a government offer to do so, I have compiled a pro/con list of my personal aptitude for the position:


  • I have lots of black clothes.
  • I have lots of white clothes to completely camouflage myself in the event of a mild to moderate snow storm. (Or if I'm required to work in Siberia--which you know I would be). 
  • I have amateur lock-picking skills that are quickly progressing into not-amateur.
  • I know the lingo.
  • I am fairly decent at Golden Eye.
  • Once, while paintballing, I shot a drunk guy in the neck whilst perched behind a barrel with my eyes closed. (true story)
  • I am often always perceived as "not a threat".
  • I am good at lying (like when I said I was fairly decent at Golden Eye. I'm actually amazing.)
  • I have had multiple successful attempts at hiding behind corners and then jumping out at unsuspecting siblings.
  • I like expensive gadgets.
  • I don't like having to pay for expensive gadgets myself.
  • I enjoy wearing fancy dresses. (For when I have to infiltrate enemy territory and smooze at parties).
  • I'm sweet at kick-boxing.
  • I have access to weapons. (It doesn't matter if they are $10 swords off Ebay, hunting rifles, or a bow and arrow. I have access.)
  • I eat a lot of yogurt.

  • I recently had to part with my black, tinted-window spy car.
  • If I had to go into ninja-mode, my pale skin would shine too much in the moonlight.
  • I don't like martinis.
  • I am not good at not talking. (Especially at the movies, but I just have so many comments about the previews!!)
  • I only speak English. And Sign Language. And about 15 words in Spanish. And the only accent I can do is an Irish one--but only when saying certain phrases.
  • I would never actually respond to my cover IDs.
  • I don't currently have a creepy or alluring way of saying "hello."
  • I do not in fact own a license to kill.
  • I don't want to go to Siberia.

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